The Shadow Of What Was Lost

Feeling fake and dehumanized is one of the core symptoms of Complex PTSD.

Tanja Windegger

Trauma stays with a person for a very long time. Abuse preoccupies the survivor’s thoughts throughout their life. Sometimes, this trauma resurfaces in different forms. Mine resurfaced when I started self harming and when I was diagnosed with IBS (Irritable Bowel Disease). I only started understanding the brain gut connection after my diagnosis. I never really knew that having prolonged stress carried a weight too heavy for me to bare; it caused other chronic illnesses and other mental health disorders. 

Things don’t sparkle like they used to.

I hated how my body was, most importantly, I hated who I was and what I had survived. Self harm was a form of expression; I used my body as a canvas to express the inner turmoil I was feeling.  I was only made to believe that I was unworthy, that I was nothing and that I would amount to nothing; that my mere existence was futile. My negative inner critic was deafening and I carried myself as though my body was some heavy weight pilled up like a landfill. It became difficult for me to note that…

No matter what you were told or how you were made to feel about yourself, you are worthy of a joyous and fulfilling future. You got talents and gifts hiding within you, ready to blossom. Now is your time!

Tanja Windegger

Writing saved me

My love for writing is what saved me. Writing became my safe haven and a form of voicing my opinions without being judged. This made me aware that there was a possibility that I wasn’t the only one in the world that felt this way. Writing saved me from taking my own life. I had often contemplated committing suicide not because I wanted to die but because I was in pain. I wanted to use my body, and had often tried to use my body as a container for the rage I was feeling for all the circumstances, I endured and soldiered through. Despite having the right to feel angry and expressing anger, I became weary because my anger was too burdensome to carry around on a daily basis. Writing saved me and helped me regain confidence in speaking boldly for myself. 

Surrender and release all negative, toxic, unloving thoughts about your body and accept yourself as a beautiful creation.

Iyanla Vanzant

Affirm – I am all that I was created to be, I am experiencing and expressing that truth moment by moment.

Iyanla Vanzant

Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again soon. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.

Love,

Francesca

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