People will move on. Even when you treat them like gold. And there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Nor should you. – Kristen Hadeed, Permission To Screw Up
People come and go and so do relationships. Human beings often times tend to blame themselves when relationships dissolve or when things fall apart. This can especially be true if you suffer from Post Traumatic stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). People living with PTSD and CPTSD not only blame themselves when grieving a love-ship, friendship or family-ship. We also question our sanity and behavior to try and get to the actual cause of what caused the relationship to fall apart. The emptiness and guilt that the trauma has left us to feel can oftentimes flare up during this hard time. I have noticed my symptoms flare up whenever I lose friends and my inner critic gets fueled and it (the inner critic) becomes a little bit more aggressive. Other Times, I tend to sabotage healthy relationships because I would feel like I don’t deserve to have healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. The truth is that:
Trauma drained me of my identity and injected self doubt into my veins. Left me questioning my own sanity. Walking around aimlessly. At war with my own body, everyday. Trying to scrub the trauma’s heavy words off my skin. My mental state has been shaken to its core. I don’t know who I am anymore.
I also noticed that I have a tendency to tolerate toxic behavior in any relationship. I tend to be stagnant and condone or endure toxic environments and situations that will not help me grow into the person I hope to be one day. I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason, not only to teach us lessons about life but to teach us lessons about ourselves. Relationships are cosmic, they come and go just as seasons do in a year. The same way that the sun rises and sets. It can be especially hard for someone who does not have a sense of self to determine whether relationships are good for them or not. I still struggle with this every time. I am still trying to find my balance. Little by little I will find my own way and find my own self worth and be able to voice out my opinions. I truly believe that relationships do have ups and downs, nothing and no-one is perfect. However, they should make us feel grateful to be alive and happy to live in our own skin.
If anyone makes you feel less empowered and does not offer support, value or help propel you to reach your dreams and be happy. Then it would be best to start looking for your people – people who will make life worth living. I am not perfect, I am still learning how to use my voice as I mentioned. I will grow to love myself everyday.
I will bloom wherever I am planted, I have hope that I will.
I am a collection of dismantled almosts. Only my books anoint me, and a few friends, those who reach into my veins..
Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again. Let us rebuild a healthy state of Mind.