Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I would firstly like to start by stating that if anyone reading this, is in anyway considering ending their life. They should Kindly seek professional help and speak to a loved one. I also take notice that this topic might be triggering for certain readers.
The essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable, and unbearable. Each patient demands that we suspend our sense of what is normal and accept that we are dealing with a dual reality: the reality of a relatively secure and predictable present that lives side by side with ruinous ever-present past. – Bessel A. Van Der Kolk
September – is suicide prevention month. As a trauma survivor, I had a habit of self harming (I sometimes self harm but I seek help whenever I try to or get thoughts that encourage me to self harm). I have been living most of my life dissociating and feeling numb because of my complex post traumatic stress disorder. Any sound, any noise, and any movement would put me on edge because I had never felt safe. Safety was something that my soul and body longed for but I was never really afforded the opportunity to experience what being safe felt like. I have struggled for so long with my feelings of numbness that I tried so hard and for years to feel again. I started self harming. I was silently crying for help.
Reasons for self- harming, suicide and para-suicide:
After trauma the world is experienced with a different nervous system. The survivor’s energy now becomes focused on suppressing inner chaos at the expense of spontaneous involvement in their life. These attempts to maintain control over unbearable physiological reactions can result in a whole range of physical symptoms, including autoimmune diseases. – Bessel A. Van Der Kolk
Most people suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder (CPTSD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Depression, have a tendency of suppressing emotional, spiritual and psychological pain. If the body is overwhelmed by any stressor, it finds a way of disposing the stress hormones. I obviously self harm to express my pain and my emotions. When I cannot find words to explain what i am going through or when i cannot find colors that can fully paint how i am feeling, I self harm. The only thing that has saved me is the art of writing and emotive language. I truly feel like I can express myself when I ink my thoughts on paper because I feel as though many lives lie on the pages I write on. That someone, somewhere is experiencing what I am going through. This has helped me feel content with myself; this partially fulfills my need to feel safe again. People who contemplate suicide often times experience what I feel (feelings of isolation). Mostly they feel a need of not belonging. Whenever someone feels isolated, they spiral out of control. Isolation in any form is dangerous although solitude can be beneficial (too much of a good thing is bad). We all want to belong somewhere. We all want to be embraced by the gift of Life and shown love by humanity.
Loss:What people around us feel
It’s understandable for a support system around someone who self harms or contemplates suicide to feel a sense of loss. It is normal for them not to understand our own struggles. It’s okay for them to feel exhausted emotionally and physically. People need energy to survive and people give off energy when they interact with other human beings. But one thing that people with mental health illnesses need is a sense of safety, compassion, and someone who is willing to listen. We tend to self destruct when we cannot regulate our own emotions.We gravitate towards inflicting that pain on ourselves, in any way possible. Just to feel a sense of relief and being free from all those overwhelming emotions. Emotions are powerful and so are words. We tend to underestimate how powerful feelings and words are, but the world functions because of them. Most things in life are influenced by the way we feel (things also can make us feel a certain way). Words also make the world go around; words that get thrown our way and the words we speak out of our mouths. Having someone who can listen to you without judgement and them just being there for you, helps alleviate so much pain. It is necessary for human survival.
We must never allow the future to collapse under the burden of memory. All of man’s life among his kind is nothing other than a battle to seize the ear of others. – Milan Kundera
Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.